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i love you
all i want is you
but i see you slowly, slowly,
ever so slowly
dripping away from me.
falling away from me.
no longer with me.
are you still there?
are you still here?
all i want is to hold you in my arms for the first time in 3 days
all i need is that phone call
all i need, all i want, all i crave is for your caring. your love, your thoughts.
all i see is you.
running.
away from me?
away from this?
is this good for us?
healthy? happy? trusting?
i cry for you
i sob for you
i sob for me
i curl up and wish for you
but realize i only have myself
i have my thoughts, my dreams,
my words to spill onto a computer screen
to speak them aloud?
no rather,
to type them here.
to remain anonymous
at least from you.
you will not know
you already know
you wish to know
to understand
to understand me
my feelings, my wants, my needs
why?
i let my fingers type, to write, to express what they must
what i cannot speak
whatever flows from these hands, these fingertips
that is what i see
what you see
what i don't change
i dont think
i just write
whatever comes out is what i mean to say
what i think
what flows
at least in my mind which is really all the matters, yes?
my thoughts to my mind to my fingers, my brain, all over my body
my body aches for you
craves you
your touch
your smell
just to hold you close
touch your skin
nothing else
you must earn me back once you lose me
if you want me
i dont come easily
not anymore
you must prove
prove yourself
prove to me
prove to me that you can devote yourself
you can be beautiful if you believe
i am me
take me as i am
i will but i wont change for you
why can you not change for me?
why must i do it all
I cannot be it all
i am for you and you alone
only you
make my world feel bright
only you
make the darkness bright
only you
make me warm at night
please please
dont let me sleep alone
crying into the darkness
into the night
not anymore.
i beg. i beg of you
its all i ask of you.
i sit up waiting
waiting for you
i dont want to spend another lonely night
no ohh ohhh
i sit
i wait
i wait for your call
i suspend time, motion, air and breath
just to hear your voice and make it right.
but do you make it right?
can you
can you put back the pieces
the pieces of my broken heart
the heart that is falling
falling so fast out of my chest.
i am falling
falling in love, or out of it?
too scared too sacred
too many thoughts rushing through my head
all i want is the beach
the waves gushing on the sand
maybe you holding my hand?
will you be there for me?
at all
or maybe when i need you most?
or will you take my heart and crush it in your hands like you do the peeps everyone hates so much for easter?
i cannot take it anymore
i dont know where to go
what to do
who to be with
cant it be you?
i believe
i believe in a thing called love
just listen to the rythm of my heart
but listen to your heart.
is it calling to me?
are you calling to me?
shouldnt you be?
nose running
cold a comin'
weed a smokin'
but all without you
livin' my life, but without you
when all i want is you by my side
i need a man who stands beside me.
not in front of or behind me
i need two arms that want to hold me
not own me
and i need all the love in your heart
and ill give you the love in my heart
havent i already given you all my love
ive given you all of me
can i have you now?
have i earned that?
pout for me
cry for me
care for me
just love me
love me the way i love you
oh boo.
| | |
| i am having an anxiety attack
for the first time in my insecure naive 19 years of exsistence.
why?
because i am a insecure naive not good in bed unsexy 19 year old
holy freaking shit
i just discovered not only am i not good in bed...i suck in bed
i mean, i just had the epic fails of all epic fails
no, i don't want to talk about it.
like epic by means of wiping dinosaurs off the face of the earth epic.
like i suck
hardcore, never gonna get better, might as well give it up, suck.
i mean its not like i lived in this perfect world where i was amazing or anything
but i didnt think i sucked
like
yeah
i mean i figured i was half way decent
and like ive asked ex-boyfriends, like obvs when they were boyfriends at the time, if i was good.
and they said yes
AND THEY SAID YES!
why would they lie to me?
they could have just said no, i mean i wouldnt want to hear it but at least i would know
and be able to , i duno ,
PRACTICE OR GET BETTER
but noooooooo
they just lead me to think im good, "great!"
obvs they havent had too many girls cuz if im the best they've ever had, they must of been having shit sex.
cuz i suck
and im not sexy. at all
so if anyone ever calls me that again, im laughing in their face
not laughing like "oh im a girl i love being complimented and im stupid so tell me again how great i am to boost my ego"
but laughing like "please, lying is a sin so lets cut the bullshit and be real with each other."
i am an unsexy 19 year old
why is everyone else sexier than i will ever be?
stupid cosmo is fucking me up, i read it, and of course its all about bettering your sex life
(does cosmo write about anything else but sex? like really!?)
and im thinking, hmm let me try some of this out, maybe we'll (me and the boyfriend) will read this together later
or i'll just try to be sexy and just do it.
well whoever coined the phrase "Just Do It" is a fucking moron.
i want to find that person and punch him/her (im sure it was a him) in the throat.
biggest epic fail of my life.
and i've had some epic fails before.
great.
im so freaking embarrassed.
let me just climb into a hole real quick, see ya never.
god i just like suck at living life.
i just wish someone would have told me i suck at sex
at least i would know
instead of going around acting like i know what im doing, or acting sexy like im good or something
all they needed to do was be like, yo....you + bed + you in bed = EPIC FUCKING FAIL.
i mean i dont WANT to hear it,
BUT AT LEAST I WOULD KNOW
i am so ashamed. of myself. and my fail
like please dont touch me,
not like you'd want to
not with a ten foot pole i'm betting.
cuz who wants to be around a nonsexy epic-fail of a person.
NOT ME
oh wait - ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
great.
whoopdeefreakingdo.
everyone else can be sexy
A 10 YEAR OLD IS SEXIER THAN I WILL BE AT THE AGE OF 50!
my 15 year old sister is hotter/sexier than i am.
can i just jump out the window now?
like yeah yeah i know being sexy/good in bed isn't the most important
a good personality blah blah freaking blah
but lets get serious and real for a minute
IT IS IMPORTANT
like yeah it might not be the most
but you shouldnt fail at everything sexy
like me
like if it was a class, i wouldn't even be allowed to take it.
everrrrrrrrrrr
like i could be on my death bed and they could be like
"you are not sexy. never were, wont be ever."
like sorry
so im slowly yet not so much accepting that i suck at sex
its harder to accept that there is no sexiness in my body
like at least sex you can fake
sexy, yeah not so much.
like sexy makes you strong
guys say they want a strong confident SEXY woman.
WHOOPS there i go, knocked out of that mix.
like that puts me on the unattractive list for life.
down with the still-living-w-your-parents-at-31, 40-year-old-virgin type stuff
they might actually be sexier than i am.
im not gonna overexaggerate and say theres no more meaning to life, cuz c'mon.
but, im seriously gonna have to reevaluate some things
like how IM NOT SEXY
even in the slightest.
and NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS NICE TO TELL ME!
like HELLOOOOOO dear friends, thats something you could mention every once in awhile
instead of letting me make a fool of myself
walking around thinking i was halfway sexy
im no victorias secret model or anything, but im not FUGLY
apparently, having no sexiness WHATSOEVER is worse.
ugh
this sucks.
im taking my not sexy, bad at sex, epic fail, miserable self back to bed.
don't touch me
leave me the hell alone til i get some dignity back.
if i have that either.
...nope...
that was never there.
great.
even more of an epic fail. | | |
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i needed a dream to make me strong
you are the only reason i have to go on.
look at me
i am changing.
i am changing for you.
is that what I want?
should i change for a man?
what if i love this man?
though he thinks i don't fully love him. yet.
how do i show him i do?
wait. do i?
i need a hand.
into one of my moods again. i hate them
i dont know whats wrong, whats right
isn't whats right or wrong?
why am i pushing you away? i dont want to.
all of my life
i've been a fool
who said i could do it all alone
how many good friends have i already lost
how many dark Knights have i known
walking down that wrong road
there was nothing i could find
all those years of darkness
could make a person blind
but now i want to change, i can see i am trying to change. that would be just fine
i know its gonna work out this time
cuz this time i am
i m changing.
i want to change for you
but can i?
i will do everything in my power to show you i can
and that i want to
what if its not enough?
then another one bites the dust?
sadly
my life story.
i make a vow
nothings gonna stop me now
i think im in love with you
i know i am
how can i show you?
should i have to show you? i shouldnt really
you should know
you are right
you're unlike any other man i have been with.
you are not my past
you are my present
...but are you also my future?
that is the question, now isn't it?
im cleaning out my closet
how many times have i done this?
how many times do i have to act immature before i wont do it again
cant i start thinking like an adult instead of a child?
i just have a knack for messing things up i guess
some peoples talents are singing, dancing, or gymnastics
maybe acting, science, a brain surgeon
some people are destined for greatness.
my greatness is messing up any relationship i have
my greatness
my talent
my calling
...is hurting any man that tries to get close to me.
...is not letting anyone close
its just being paranoid
not trusting
i try, why can i not?
i have to stop blaming it on my parents
on their failed marriage
why is it their fault?
it didnt work out for them, so it wont work out for me?
does that even make sense?
not one bit
i am my own person
why should i let other people's problems
or other peoples past
or my own past
run who i am?
lonely and forgotten
i just have a knack for messing it all up
every time things are really good
i just have to step in and mess it all up for myself.
i really treat myself well, ya know?
i'm done. | | |
| life is a mystery
everyone must stand alone
i hear you call my name
and it feels like....hommeee
mellow out, calm down, live your life while you can.
life isn't for the problems or the fights, its for the memories
so make it right.
have a positive outlook on everything you do and everything you do will be positive.
shit happens. why dwell on it when you know its gonna happen?
live through it, grow through it, love and embrace it, it makes you who you are today.
we are strong.
heartache to heartache we stand
no promises
no demands
love is a battlefield.
if love and life and living were easy, we would just be bored.
so don't complain when God sends a curveball your way.
take it, love it, embrace it and accept it
it happened, why think about what could have been and live with what it is now
live in the past, you miss the present
expect and imagine the future, miss the present.
miss the present, there is no future.
so live right now
just be yourself
it doesn't matter if you're good enough
for someone else
it just takes some time...
time.
time is of the essence.
there is no time.
no time to mess around.
no time to spend time complaining.
would you rather sit and bitch or go out and live it.
don't waste your time.
time is precious.
everyone says there isn't enough time to do everything you want to do in your lifetime.
why wait?
now is the right time.
before today passes by...
today is over
tomorrow has begun
yesterday is today
tomorrow is now
so live it, love it, embrace it.
you can't change it anyway
its called life.
its a circle,
a continuous motion.
a rock rolling down the hill
tripping, turning, bouncing and losing its way
building speed, losing speed,
...yet it never stops til it reaches the bottom.
so why are you slowing down? why are you stopping?
it isn't time for you to reach the bottom.
enjoy it
live it
love it
embrace it
hate it
bitch, cry and whine about it
do whatever you want with it...
...but don't regret it... | | |
| oh and remember when the whole fight started cuz i was trying to help out an old friend?
sorry for trying to find a kid a place to sleep when theres no where else to go.
gosh...im just a horrible person. | | |
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